Monday, February 21, 2011
And yeah im back to blogging.
I love this place so much.
Its just me, and my keyboard.
Okay and maybe also plus some emotions.
Sometimes too much?
I dont know.
I always feel really sorry,
I didnt prepare/make anything for anyone on vday.
And yet, I received alot of love both from ze:a fam & inf9. ):
Sorry girls, i'd make it up to you all soon.
These few days has honestly been, very very tough for me.
School is just bombarding with tests and more.
While im trying my best to fit in, I also try to keep up with lessons.
I admit I've never been the smart sort, to absorb all taught.
I need practice and alot of exposure.
Probably the only reason why I did well for psle.
Family, i dont know what to say..
Ever since what happened with dad,
I can say this family is rather dysfunctional.
And i only feel like a hypocrite.
Because im fine on both sides, still getting love from dad too..
But not for what I hear when he talks about my other siblings.
This is, really not what I wanted.
Friends, in school i sometimes really just feel like running away.
I keep asking myself the same questions over.
Why are some guys such jerks?
Why do they get to determine who's "pretty" and who's not?
And what did I do to deserve ostracism, and nonacceptance from the majority.
Sadly enough, it is boys that im talking about.
I hate it that boys see me as, ugly/nerd/pig/emo (?)
I mean, why some girls get better treatment, but not me.
I dont yearn to be an exception, only to be part of the crowd.
To me, there's no difference for girl/boy friends.
We are all supposed to live together in harmony.
Nobody, unless most worthy, should be given the right to determine others fate.
But it seems like im the one and only one that thinks this way..
Also possibly another reason why I shun facebook.
I dont find any trace of happiness there.
Its not like twitter.
Not anything like twitter.
I have to admit one thing though,
I sometimes do think im depressed.
I cry all too easily.
Am most of the time thinking negative thoughts.
When problems do arise, I look towards the window as the perfect solution.
I cry myself to sleep,
Only to realise im still alive in this unfair world the next morning.
I sigh too much.
Really all too much.
And i dont love myself.
To be honest, I hate myself.
I look in the mirror or any reflection, and see an ugly girl.
Someone that strikes questions in me like,
"Is that...... really me?"
"How do i live looking someone like that?"
And things just complicate themselves when i think about other girls.
Or to be specifics, girl group girls.
We are all of the same breed, women of this world.
Why can they earn the respect, idolization and love from others.
And I cannot?
Why are they able to strut with such confidence, proud of how they look.
And I seem to only be able to hang my head ?
I shouldnt go on or .. I wont stop.
/laughs amusing isnt it?
So so much things go through my head at any one time.
Yet im an unaccomplished, forgetful, and slack girl who's short fat and despised.
Yay.
I want to live the day I get compliments from the people I respect.
To hear things like,
"Girl you're pretty"
"You changed alot since secondary school"
"Can i go to you if i have questions about this?"
Call me weird, but these are what I hope for.
And i always tell myself, I must work towards getting them.
I pray so so hard every single day,
A miracle will befall upon my family.
We will finally be out of the financial debts we have been in for the past 5-7 years?
Its been as long as I remember.
We will have the time to go out together as a family, overseas or anything like that.
I can shop for clothes, accessories and make-up, w/ my mum and sister.
And maybe visit manicure/facial places together.
To decorate my own room, with my own macbook, dslr and wardrobe.
To experience a love I am proud of myself,
And earn the confirmation from everyone I know.
That me, denise, has done well with my life.
But why.. does that dream seem so far?
Way too far to be within my reach.
I've already crushed my own dreams of being a pilot.
And walked right into a broken first love.
I dont know what else I can do to make my life any worser that it already is.
People talk about inner beauty, not outer beauty.
But what matters, when Im not even granted the chance, to do anything at all..
My head's always feeling like its about to explode.
And my heart just is ....... empty.
What am i supposed to do?
I'm holding back the tears
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'9:12 PM♡.
